Ramblings of my Unfocused Mind

It's been a hard week. As a matter of a fact, it's been a hard month! I'm constantly fighting with myself. Two weeks ago, although I was having a tough time, I was focusing on God. And after that? Well, needless to say, I haven't been too focused. "Am I living where I'm supposed to live?" "Will I be capable of providing for myself in the future?" "Will I be able to keep the relationships I have now?" "What am I really passionate about?" I'm juggling so many worries at once and all I want to do is drop the balls and curl up in fetal position and hope that everything will work out all by itself. 


Instead of dropping the balls, I should maybe toss them to God because I'm not getting anywhere with these worries. One step at a time.... there's no need to rush. It's like learning to fly or ... (Okay, that last part was from a song. Do you ever just break out in singing? Or am I just weird?) Anyways, yes, toss the balls to Jesus because these worries are just too much for me! As you can maybe tell, I've been a little distracted lately. 


 ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" -Matthew 25-27 


While I sit here once again, in my favorite coffee shop, my mind is going every direction. So, if you're not catching what i'm throwing, then please just take note of the scripture. But, if you feel like continuing reading my rambling mind, then proceed to the next paragraph. 


One thing I do know, I'm a threat to Satan. He sees me making progress, so he attacks. So, I've been doing this awesome thing over the past month where I really picture Jesus' face in my mind every time I feel myself worrying. It came in handy a few days ago when I had a huge break down. I encourage you to try it. Do you remember in Sunday schools how they taught us WWJD (what would Jesus do)? Do you really ever take that into consideration? It's a very powerful thing. Learning to seek him out in every decision is life changing. I haven't gotten very good at it yet. 


Well, like I said, I'm extremely unfocused, so I'm going to end this right.... here. 

Who am I?

Over the past week, I've attempted to write on the "About the Muser" section. Almost five times. I get about a sentence into it, and then I backspace until that one sentence is gone. So, here I sit at a great little coffee shop called Gear-Up writing about how I can't decide how to write about myself. It's caused quite a division in my mind, really. I've had this question in my mind all week, "who am I?" How in the world am I supposed to explain who I am in a few paragraphs? There is so much more to a person than words. Yet, it's all I can think about lately. Somehow, questions have been asked of me lately, such as; what are your dreams? Who are you living for? Are you motivated enough for the things you say you want to do? Okay, good questions. 

About a year ago, I came to a conclusion about how people are so worried about what people think of them, that all they can think about is how they're presenting themselves, and how they want to act. It causes multiple personalities. You're this way with one person and then that way with another. Then a confusion enters our minds of, "who am I?" Well, I decided that it's silly to ever really think about the little details of who I am, and I'm just supposed to live and not worry about acting certain ways for certain people. I am who I am. I'm serious, but I'm silly. I'm broken, but I'm whole. I'm confused, but I'm certain. I'm selfish, but I'm loving. 

I can't sit here and truly explain to you who I am. I could give you a hundred small details about myself, but only God really knows, and I think my identity lays a lot safer with Him than it does with me. So, if you were to ask me about myself, I might give you the usual response of how old I am and then something that I enjoy doing. I shall create myself with actions, not words. So, I deleted the "About the Muser" section. For now. 

"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours" -Casting Crowns

Relationship Challenge

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

Over the past couple of months, the Lord has been teaching me a lot about relationships with other people and with himself. It's insane how much closer you can get to God just by loving other people. Sometimes, we get too caught up in paying attention to ourselves and all of our own needs. We start to numb out by doing things like; watching TV, playing on the computer, reading fantasy books, and even over sleeping. 

I feel that we're all meant to meet with each other, to love one another. Actually, I know that we're supposed to do this. It's says it right above! But what does it mean to love your neighbor as yourself? Do you love yourself? Maybe you don't think that you do, but really think about it for a second. Go ahead, think about it. My words will still be here after you think...

Did you think about it? Okay, good. Well, here is my thought; yes, I love myself. Maybe I have a low self esteem, and I wish I was a better person. But who do I pay attention to most of the time? Me. Who's needs to I fill the most? Mine. Who do I usually always think about? (Besides my boyfriend...) Myself. I am so selfish. It's really a nasty habit. 

So, like I said, I'm learning a lot about relationships. People need God. God meets our needs through other people. We need people. We need relationships. I've been very challenged to stop thinking about myself so much. (Which is really hard because I won't leave myself alone.) 

So, my challenge to you and myself, meet someone else's need today. Someone that you don't usually do anything for. Maybe actually take time to talk to that person in the grocery store. You'll be surprised to know that you can make someone else's day fairly easily. Ask someone how they're really doing. Then listen. It will give you a different sense of love. 

Stepping into Adulthood

In our lives, there are always huge choices of what to do next. Sometimes, you can't just go for it. You have to weigh every possibility of what may happen, and how will it effect everyone else's lives. The pondering moments are crucial. 
The biggest step of going into adulthood is learning what you want to do with your future. Do you want to focus on a career? Do you want to go to college? When do you want to move out of your parent's house? Are you capable of being independent? Do you have the money to support yourself? How much are your parents going to help you? Do you have any possible roommates? Well, here I am at 19 years old (and I still feel like I'm 12!), and I'm making these hard decisions. No, I don't want to go to college to focus on a career. I would like to move out on my own, but my simple fast food job isn't going to support my every need. Isn't it a terrible time realizing that you have no one to move out with? Maybe that's just me... 
So while I sit here wondering about my not so distant future, I pray that God will guide me through it all. (And that I'll stop freaking out about the silly things.) Luckily, I opened up an email from my boyfriend, Jordan, and this scripture was in it. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3;5-6


On a more happy note, I FINALLY BLOGGED!